Author: Jasmiko

Values and feelings are two different things, and they produce different outcomes when used as the basis for an action or decision. In general, values can be understood as standards, worth, meaning, or relative beliefs about something considered good, useful, right, and valuable, which serve to guide human behavior and decision-making. Feelings, meanwhile, are conscious, internal, and subjective experiences resulting from the mind’s interpretation of an event, a bodily condition, or an emotion.

Feelings can change very easily. On a bright morning, we may feel enthusiastic about doing many things, yet in an instant, our feelings can change when, for example, someone comments on our appearance. Feelings can change that easily. If they were likened to an object, they might be compared to water, which readily changes according to the shape of its container. Feelings are also responses to situations, not determinants of what is right. Feeling lazy does not prove that a task is unimportant, and feeling angry does not prove that someone deserves retaliation. We have all postponed assignments because we were “not in the mood,” responded to messages emotionally and later regretted it, or skipped class simply because one particular morning felt difficult. In all these situations, feelings take the wheel even though they were never designed to drive.

Stephen R. Covey, in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, discusses this issue explicitly in the first habit: being proactive. Covey distinguishes between two types of people. Reactive people are driven by their feelings, circumstances, and surrounding conditions. Good weather makes them enthusiastic, bad weather makes them gloomy, and the way others treat them determines how they behave. Proactive people, on the other hand, are guided by values that they have carefully considered, consciously chosen, and internalized. Covey even draws attention to the language used by each group. Reactive people tend to say, “He makes me angry” or “I can’t,” as though they were merely victims of their circumstances, whereas proactive people say, “I choose” and “I will.”

The foundation of this idea is the concept of the space between stimulus and response. Covey draws on the thinking of Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist who survived the Nazi concentration camps. Frankl realized that when all his external freedoms had been taken away, he still possessed one thing that no one could take from him: the freedom to choose how to respond to whatever happened to him. It is within this space that values operate. Feelings arise as stimuli, while values help us determine the response we choose. Values are therefore like a ship’s anchor. The waves may come and go, but the ship does not drift too far from its course. Unlike a target that can be achieved and then completed, values provide a direction that we continue to follow. We never truly “finish” becoming honest people. We simply continue choosing honesty in different situations.

However, acting according to our values does not mean being hostile toward our feelings. Feelings are information, not commands. Tiredness tells us that our bodies need rest, discomfort may signal that a boundary has been crossed, and sadness shows that there is something valuable to us. What needs to change is our relationship with our feelings. We can listen to our feelings without necessarily obeying them. We can say, “I am feeling lazy, and that is okay,” while still asking ourselves, “What actually matters to me today?” Accepting our feelings and choosing our actions are two steps that can take place simultaneously.

Covey explains that this ability is closely related to the third habit: putting first things first. According to him, the first and second habits involve mental creation, while the third habit is their practical manifestation in everyday life. This is where free will is put to the test, because we must do what is important even when our mood wants something else. Covey emphasizes that effective people do not organize their lives according to momentary impulses, but according to what is most meaningful to them. For Covey, integrity is also measured by how faithfully we remain committed to our commitments rather than to our feelings.

The conflict between values and feelings is most apparent in everyday situations. Lying may often feel easier because it helps us avoid conflict and maintain a peaceful atmosphere. Yet a person who holds honesty as a value will continue to tell the truth in a respectful manner, even when various consequences may follow. A father may come home from work wanting nothing more than to lie down and rest, while his child is waiting to hear a story and his partner needs someone to listen. The value of love and care encourages him to be present, even when only half of his energy remains. When we are disappointed with a supervisor or a workplace situation, we may be tempted to do our work carelessly, even though the value of responsibility reminds us that the quality of our work reflects who we are, rather than being a reward for someone else. In all three situations, the feelings do not disappear. They simply no longer have the final say.

This ability can be developed through practice. The first step is to define our personal values by writing down three to five values that we strongly believe in. Covey himself encourages people to create a personal mission statement because values that have never been clearly articulated are difficult to use as guiding principles. The next step is to pause before reacting. Recognize the feelings that arise, name them (“I am upset,” “I am anxious”), and then ask, “What value do I want to uphold right now?” A pause of a few seconds is often enough to change the direction of our actions. Start with small things, such as keeping promises, waking up on time, or responding calmly. Covey points out that making and keeping promises, no matter how small, is central to developing a proactive attitude, and consistency in small matters builds the capacity for making major decisions. Finally, evaluate yourself regularly. At the end of each week, ask yourself whether your actions were aligned with the values you believe in and identify the moments when you simply followed your mood.

There are several misconceptions that need to be avoided. Acting according to values does not mean suppressing or denying emotions, because feelings that are buried without being acknowledged tend to erupt at inappropriate times. Being proactive, according to Covey, is not about being stubborn; rather, it means taking responsibility for our own choices. Living according to our values also does not mean being rigid or lacking empathy. Values practiced without sensitivity can become a justification for harsh behavior. Someone who is “honest” but hurts others without consideration is actually neglecting another important value: compassion. Covey also reminds us of the importance of balancing courage with consideration for others. Furthermore, our values deserve to be reviewed from time to time. Some of our values are inherited from our environment without ever being examined. Therefore, acting according to our values requires the courage to ask: Is this truly my belief, or is it merely a habit?

Ultimately, feelings give color to life, while values give it direction. Both are equally needed, but they are not equally suited to taking the wheel. When our moods fluctuate, values keep us moving in the direction we have chosen for ourselves. Therefore, before making your next decision, try asking yourself: What decision will I make today because of the values I believe in, rather than because of my mood?

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